I have done a lot of thinking lately about God speaking to us in the silence. I even used this for the devotion I led on Team 3. But right now it has a new meaning to me.
Many of you have probably seen Rob Bell's NOOMA, Noise. If you haven't I really recommend it. In this video Rob is telling of when one of God's prophets looked for God in just about everything imaginable but found him in the silence.
Tonight I experienced that.
As most of you know I moved to Idaho on Monday of this week. I left behind everything familiar to me to go where I felt God was leading me. Never before have I been so certain that I was doing the right thing, but I have such a peace about everything I am doing right now and everything is orchestrated in such a way that I would be crazy if I didn't think it was God working in my life. I was reflecting on this in my journal tonight and thinking of everything that has worked the way it has. Sally and Roy have given me more than a room to rent, but a home. I have the most amazing community that embraced me and supported me when no one else did. I have my dream job waiting for me, before I ever left to come back to Idaho. Its things like this I know this is where God wants me.
I have been real depressed the past few days, wondering if I did the right thing with leaving my relationship of 4 years. Going through all of my moving boxes full of pictures of the best 4 years of my life probably didn't help much, but none the less. Tonight as I got into bed I thought about how I wish I could cry, I feel so numb inside. When I got into bed I read the latest blog of one of my best friends I have ever had. It hit me in some way I cannot even begin to explain and I cried, not much, but I cried. In it she said this,
God designed each one of us and we were made "in His own image." Genesis 1:2. . Trying to grasp that can be so difficult. The God that made the stars and the sky and the most beautiful sunsets and landscapes, He created us. What is more we are considered his most highly priced creations, more beautiful than the stars and the sunsets and the landscapes and all those things that take our breath away.
Tonight as I was driving home from dinner with a new friend I saw one of the most breathtaking sunsets I have ever seen. I couldn't erase the picture of that from my mind. Then I read this and I felt as though God had painted that just for me so when I read that something would click inside of my head. For the past 4 years I have been looking for validation from one person. That was not fair for either of us. I was putting these expectations up for him to make me feel a certain way and if he didn't happen so say just the right thing at just the right time I felt like crap and I always had such the way of letting him know. I have found myself doing this the past few days. When I have been feeling really down I look for anyone to validate me and how I am feeling. When they don't I fall into this whirlpool of depression again. But tonight as I read that post I realized I am created in the image of God and I am so much more amazing and beautiful than that sunset I saw tonight.
After reading that I turned my light off and got into bed again. This was different though, I was restless. I felt flooded with anxiety, hurt, confusion along with so many other emotions that I can't even begin to define. I tried to ignore it all and fall asleep, that did nothing. I tried to pray and I got too frustrated. I tried to cry but I only felt numbness. So I got out of bed, turned my light on and pulled my journal that I haven't touched since Decker Lake on our backpacking trip. I started writing. 2.5 pages later I stopped and realized something. This is what I wrote, minus some names.
I know I needed to break up with ________ because of how I feel right now. I feel like "checking up on him" for lack of a better term. At times I feel like I cannot function. I was way too dependent on _______ for my happiness, which is why I was so unhappy. I was also loosing who I am and just doing and saying what would make _______ happy. Now I want _______ to make me happy. That has to stop!!! That is not okay at all!! If I really want to go through this healing I need to find happiness in myself and in Christ, not in a guy.
When I finished writing that I sat back and felt such a sense of relief, a sense of freedom. For the first time in the past few days I felt peace flow through my veins. What an amazing sensation.
So as I lay in my bed tonight, God spoke to me. He didn't speak to me while surrounded by everyone, he didn't speak to me through a powerful sermon, and he spoke to me in the silence.
